Finding James
by mrs.shigwa.cobain
Summary: When Lily breaks up with James, he must prove that he can live without her before they can get back together. How's he do that if he's not even sure he CAN live without her?


A/N: I don't know where this came from, but it came to me and here it is. This has at least one more chapter, but it could be a longer story, depending on the feedback and how I feel.

"James... I think that maybe we should take a break."

The words, so hushed and tentatively spoken, hit him like a full sack of potatoes. He reeled backwards and blinked a few times.

"Whatever do you mean?" he asked, staring anywhere but Lily's eyes, trying to keep his face bereft of emotion. As of yet he was failing miserably.

"Well," Lily started, half wondering to herself whether or not this was a good idea. _'I've already began, might as well keep going...' _she thought to herself and continued speaking. "It's just that... since we became a couple-"

"Which you like?" James interrupted hopefully.

"Yes, it's wonderful. However, that's not the problem." She answered, growing more uncomfortable by the minute. She shifted on the bench and wrung her hands.

"Well, I may be oblivious, but I wasn't aware there was a problem."

"No, not a _problem_... more of a... I can't think of a word for it." Lily struggled with a way to explain to James how she felt, but all she succeeded in doing was make him more confused about the whole situation.

"Spit it out, then," James said, sounding a bit angry.

"Excuse me! Give me a moment so that I could string together a coherent sentence to clarify why I'm doing this in the first place!" Lily replied hotly.

"Lily, have you ever been dumped?" James asked plainly, to which Lily looked shocked, but shook her head slightly. "Of course not," he whispered, oh so softly, "you're perfect." He let his eyes rest on his hands; his face was the very picture of vulnerability. Then a spark grew behind his eyes. His confidence returned and the next time he spoke, it was more forceful, surprising Lily.

"When you're being dumped, the last thing you want to do is sit there while the other person thinks of exactly how to let you down. All you want to do is run and get away as fast as you can so they don't see how hurt you are!"

"You don't have any curiosity as to why?" Lily asked meekly.

"No... I..." James stood, but suddenly he fought the urge to leave. Of course he wanted to know why, and she knew it. _Of course_ he wanted to know! He had thought this whole time that things were going pretty smoothly. Did he do something wrong? Thousand of possible offending actions came to his mind in a mere matter of seconds, but he quickly shook them from his thoughts. Well then _what_ in the _world _could he have done that was so wrong?!

"Yes, I do." He sat back down in compliance.

"Alright, then," Lily said. She fidgeted; it was almost as if she had wanted him to say no, so that she could think about it some more and present the information to him later in a more organized fashion. But he _had_ said yes, and she _had_ to find some form of an answer, and soon.

"I suppose there isn't really a gentle way to put this..."

"No matter, I don't have any feelings left now." James responded harshly. Lily winced.

"I guess I deserve that, but please listen. I just think... that you... love me too much."

"_What?!_" James exploded. He hadn't really known what he was expecting, but that was definitely _not _it.

"Well, it's not just that... I think it's that you need me too much."

"I don't get it."

"You see, you're always with me, thinking about what I want and need, and being the sweetest guy... and when we're not together, Remus tells me that you talk about me constantly."

"So I'm being downsized for caring for you and thinking about you? Great," he said dejectedly.

"No. Well, yes, I suppose, but I'm doing it for you. You'll thank me." Lily said, instantly regretting her choice of words.

"Oh I will, huh? And what will I say? 'Thanks for breaking my heart, why didn't you do it sooner so I could skip right to the pain'?"

"James, think about it..."

James rolled his eyes. Lily's hands shot up and grabbed on to either side of his face, forcing him to look directly at her.

"No, I mean really think about it."

He stared at her hard. His heart skipped a beat just from looking at her, just from feeling the touch of her hands on his skin. He cursed himself for feeling that way even as she was doing this to him. Lily's voice broke him out of his trance.

"If someone were to ask you to define yourself at this moment, how would you answer?"

"I guess I would say: upset, tired, cold, and a bit hungry..."

Lily sighed. "No, don't be cheeky. I meant as a person." James reveled at her perfectly decent McGonagall impression when admonishing him. She looked strictly into his eyes and he conceded. If he wanted to understand her reasoning, he may as well humor her. He took a deep breath and his shoulders slouched into a relaxed position. His eyes drifted closed and he pictured himself. After a minute, his eyelids snapped open abruptly.

"Your boyfriend."

"And how could you define yourself outside of our relationship?" Lily pressed.

"I... I can't," James breathed.

"There, you see? You don't know yourself without me."

"I depend on you..."

"I know," Lily said compassionately, "and that's not necessarily a bad thing, but what would you do if we couldn't be together for some reason?"

"You mean like now?" He replied bitterly.

Lily ignored the comment and pushed on. "How do I know you won't just... quit?"

"And _why_ are you willing to take that chance _now_?"

"_Because_, James, it's not _fair!_" It was Lily's turn to get upset, and boy did she show it. Within a matter of seconds her face had colored nearly as red as her hair. "It's just _not fair_ to place that kind of burden on me, you know? What if _I'm_ not good enough? What happens if _I_ can't be there for you, huh? That's not the kind of responsibility that I can deal with." Her eyes softened as she reached for his hand. He briefly thought about snatching it away, but he was frozen on the spot.

"I need to know that you can help yourself if you must." She spoke quietly.

"I can..."

"Name one thing you do besides be with me."

He bit his lip to think. "Classes?"

"That doesn't count, those aren't activities, those are mandatory."

"Quidditch!" he blurted, smiling in triumph.

"True, you have that. But the purpose of this is for you to really find yourself. Aside from being my boyfriend, aside from being a quidditch star, _who are you?"_

"That's an excellent question, Lily darling," he said as he stood again, "but if getting to the answer means I have to give up you, I don't rightly care."

"Please, if you won't do it for you, do it for me. I don't want to be without you either." She joined him in standing.

"Then let's forget all about this silly notion," he said, pulled her closer to him and nuzzled her neck, "we can go back into the castle and find a nice comfy spot..."

"No," she answered, pushing him roughly away. Tears pricked at her eyes. Oh she hoped she was doing the right thing, but then again, if she was, why was it so bloody hard?

"Come back to me soon," she whispered.

"But I'm not _going_ anywhere!" James yelled in frustration.

"Good night."

"No! Lily, wait!"

Lily did not heed his call. Instead, she made a bee line for the door leading inside to the Great Hall. She just _had _to get out of there before she changed her mind; this had to be done.

A/N: What'd you think? Please review!! Ok, so the next chapter will basically be James being mad and then trying to get used to being with himself and what that means. So, this story is basically one giant character development, if you are bored by this...


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